Turn Outward Not Inward And You Will Change Your Situation

Human beings are social. We realize our dignity and our rights in relationship with others. Too much of a stress on “me” and what “I want” stops someone’s ability to grow and achieve fulfillment in community so that he or she becomes distorted – overly self involved and indulgent and less conscious of neighbor. When we stop being conscious of our neighbor’s good we devalue them and strip their dignity. When we can do that to someone we know someone can easily do that to us. This instills fear which separates us from our neighbor rather than pulls us closer together.

I know most of you have heard this before but it is truth. If you are stuck…in a problem…in a rut…in conflict with someone…turning in on yourself over grief or loss, rejection or pain, the sure way out is to stop turning inward, stop the cycle of conflict and give to your neighbor. Stepping outside your own tunnel vision and focusing on others opens the heart and causes you to see everything differently. Giving of oneself has transformative power on its own – and then when it is connected to faith in the Triune God it brings with it grace, the gift of God, which not only transforms but transcends.

So much of what Cary and I do when working with people involved in high conflict situations; i.e. divorce, coparenting issues; co-worker issues; boss issues – is to redirect them away from self-satisfaction and toward others. Many clients have a hard time taking this first step because they are so used to fighting by putting themselves first because they are feeling victimized by the high conflict personality. However, that is the wrong fight. Check out any research on dealing with high conflict people and one of the primary strategies is calming them by connecting or bonding with the person with empathy, attention and respect. This strategy holds hands with letting go of yourself and looking at what another needs. Changing your behavior is going to have influence and it is going to give you control and your dignity back- something that has been stripped from you not only by the high conflict personality but also perhaps by the court system, others, and most of all, yourself.

We humans need each other. We can only understand our true value in relationship with others. It is easy to become distorted when we stop looking out for the good of our neighbor and only focus on ourselves. We know from experience and study that getting out of self is the first positive step to moving out of a rut or conflict or just getting “unstuck.” Giving to others and refocusing yourself on the other is going to bring you positive change in your own life and it is going to have a huge impact on the behavior of those around you.

Help For Those In High Conflict Divorce Or Post Divorce

High conflict divorce is real and it is ugly. Often there is one party who is driving the conflict and that party usually presents well, refuses to pay any money – whether ordered to or not, does not have any legal consequences for failure to pay, can afford good legal counsel and often has manipulated his/her own counsel into believing irrational positions. The other party is usually completely hysterical because the unjust antics have gone on so long, and therefore does not present well, and usually has been dropped by their lawyer for nonpayment. We end up hearing from the “victim” party who wants some kind of magic cure to this problem or some “super lawyer” who will work for free. This is not the answer.

People in this situation need to step back and first and foremost begin an analysis of their own life and what are their needs as they relate to the high conflict person. This seems simple but it is not. What people need and what they want are two different things. So many victim parties get trapped into fighting only for what they want and perceive to be what they “must have” they lose sight of what they really need and how to get it. For instance, maybe they want custody of the kids but they have already lost that battle in court . So unless the kids are in physical danger which often they are not, the issue becomes not an analysis of how to get an attorney and keep fighting but an analysis of how often I can see my kids and how can I still mother or father them to the best of my ability. I know this is not what the victim party wants to examine but it is the unexamined issue. So much energy is spent on getting custody, no energy is spent on looking at the situation as it is and how to make it work for you to satisfy your needs now and in the coming years.

Or perhaps you are in the middle of an ugly divorce that is only getting worse. You are running out of money and energy and the emotional toll is tearing you up as well as your relationship with your kids. Continuing to focus on the divorce from a win/lose perspective will continue to drive the conflict. Your lawyer is usually not the person who has the time or energy or even skill to help you refocus, analyze where you want to go with your life and change your goals. But if you do not change your focus and examine your real needs, the high conflict process will continue through the divorce and after with no end in site.

Couple the concept of examining your goals and identifying your needs with also learning how to change your behavior when dealing with the high conflict person. There are skills and techniques that work and ultimately have the effect of empowering you and giving you a sense of control. That is a far different feeling than the overwhelming sense of defeat, helplessness and re-victimization that repeats itself ad nauseam. Continuing to fight the fight the high conflict person is good at and you are not is like never learning from a mistake or not realizing you are handicapped and continuing to act like you are not. This is exactly what drives the high conflict person. He or she wants that control and you continue to play the game on unequal footing. Stop it already.

What so many victims come to realize is that once they change their goals and behavior, the whole relationship changes. I stress again that changing your goals is not going to be instantaneous. It is going to take some talking about and time and careful thought. But it must be done. Then changing your behavior is crucial. Not getting along with someone is a two-way street. I don’t care how awful the other person is, it takes two to tango and you play a role in it. Many times, if one of you is willing to change, the whole relationship will change. This is especially true with negative personalities. Somebody has to get in there and be the catalyst – start the healing process. It may mean changing your goals for right now but it can also mean gaining more ground in the future you would never dream could be possible or even changing yourself enough to where what you thought you needed from that person you really do not need or never needed. You only thought you needed it or deserved it because you were supposed to think that.

In a high conflict situation, you have to take control of your life again. You have to establish priorities and boundaries and actually work on moving yourself out of the rut of playing into the high conflict game by looking inside not outside. We must endeavor to love those around us – not with some mushy love – but with dignity and respect for ourselves and them and we will then see transformation.

Sanchez and Baietto LLC specialize in high conflict coaching of individuals and high conflict mediation. Give us a call to discuss your situation.

Gender-Selective Abortion in the United States

I no longer think in terms of “stances” when it comes to difficult issues – political or otherwise. I think only of real situations of which I may be involved and because of my belief in the Trinity and my status as a conservative Catholic, I pray for guidance and I pray for discernment and I pray to act in and through Jesus Christ when confronted with these situations according to the teachings laid out by the catholic faith in its dogma.

I follow a blog called Bad Catholic written by Marc Barnes. He is an exceptional writer and, to me, a good catholic. He comments on so many pressing issues of the day with insight and wit which makes him not only an informative read but a good read. Neither is he stuffy by any means. In the following post, he has videos showing Planned Parenthood involved with gender-selective abortion.

Planned Parenthood’s position in these videos is that it does not interfere with people’s free choices about abortion – whatever the reason for the abortion. I wonder then why it issued the statement – also shown in the video – that it does not promote gender selective abortions. Look, I get the technical argument – I am a lawyer after all – but that does not change the fact that Planned Parenthood is performing gender-selective abortions.

I just cannot believe women and men – maybe even married couples – are engaging in gender selective abortion. It shocks me and saddens me to such a degree I cry out to God to please have mercy through His Son and His death on the cross – for we know not what we do. Change hearts because our hearts have hardened, Lord, and help us to love one another and the gift of life you have so graciously given to us.