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November 30, 2011
30 Nov 2011

Unchecked Assumptions Kill Relationships and Problem Solving

When you have a problem you want to solve you have to remember all the baggage you bring to it in the form of your opinions and assumptions. Perhaps these form in part, by a valid experience but they are often formed simply by your own belief system. Trying to work through the issue with your assumptions and opinions unchecked will definitely not help you resolve the issue. If the issue involves another person and your only attempt to solve the issue revolves around trying to get the other person to understand your assumptions and opinions – well, you know that will lead to probably an argument or ruined relationship, a firing at work or even straight to the lawyer’s door.

Carrying your opinions and assumptions around like they define you is a big mistake. They give you no room to move and you become STUCK at a place that will only get you so far – whether that be at work, in your relationship or with a problem. You must create some wiggle room for yourself by being willing to let go of opinions and assumptions. One way to do this is to practice refusing to form these opinions and assumptions before you find out the truth. This is difficult because there is so much in life that we do not care about enough to find out the truth so we ride our opinions. This is understandable on some level.

However, I know that, for all of us, even when something is important enough for us to find out the truth we do not and choose instead to snuggle up with our opinions and assumptions. In fact, we hold on so tight that if questioned those opinions and assumptions turn into….”the fact of the matter is….” This is so dangerous to your integrity and really destructive to your own advancement as a person as well as to you getting what you want in all areas of your life.

We have to stop holding on to our own belief system so tightly and be willing to risk it to find out facts and ultimately, truth. We have to be open to hear fact and not automatically turn off when we hear something that is off-key to the melody to which we are accustomed. As a Christian I think of myself when I often harden to Christ. I read somewhere that our hearts have to be like soft clay so He can come in and shape it at anytime. If we harden up, how is He going to work in us. Our belief system has to be more like soft clay. It has to be willing to be changed by truth. We have to be open enough to hear something that is completely anti what we WANT to believe and then go further and suck it in, digest it, admit it and give ourselves time to incorporate it within ourselves.

A practical step to take is to start asking open-ended, diagnostic questions. We have to be willing to be curious and ask people questions without first forming a belief about them. That basically means putting the other person first and not only taking the time to figure them out but doing it with genuine curiosity with no evidence of sarcasm or doubt or suspicion stemming from your own entrenched assumptions or beliefs. Search out their motives and reasons for wanting what they want or doing what they do, in truth, with a good heart, and you might be amazed at what you hear. In fact, many times you will be surprised to find out where they are coming from.

There is a site called She Negotiates…And Changes Everything. The women who run this site are amazing negotiators, trainers and coaches. They target women and provide trainings and coaching to help women get what they want. I received this short article from their Tuesday “Muse” free emails – just sign up and you can receive them too. The article is wonderful and the inspiration for this post.

I had an assumption about the guy who lives in the rental next door to me who sports a comb-over and loves high rise jeans. Know what it is? That he’s a lonely trust fund brat. Wanna know the truth? He’s commercial director and the “rental” is his getaway and he has to wear high rise pants because he has a colostomy bag due to a chronic illness.  
If you’re like me, you carry lots of opinions and assumptions about everything under the sun. Unchecked, they’ll kill relationship as fast as they kill collaboration, brainstorming and problem solving. Some examples are:
• I can’t ask for a raise because I’ll get fired if I do.
• I can’t raise my fees or nobody will hire me.
• I can’t t ask Jane to pick up my son at school when I’m in a pinch because she’s too busy.
• I can’t sit on the board of my favorite nonprofit because they’re all Republicans.
• I can’t ask to join the leadership council because that’s not the way it’s done. I have to be invited

The social scientists who research these things call this “selective perception,” a form of cognitive bias that reveals our tendency to perceive things according to our belief system and to react to circumstances based on them. 

What happens to those beliefs/examples when you add the question, “Really? Is that true?” Any wiggle room begin to emerge?

So what if we take the month of December to find more wiggle room with our staunchest, most entrenched beliefs, and do our best to replace them with curiosity? (If you’ll be visiting with family over the holidays, this exercise could make all the difference.)

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November 18, 2011
18 Nov 2011

Know Your Parental Rights and How to Enforce Them

If shared parental responsibility has been awarded in your divorce and there are no specific limitations within your divorce decree, there are certain parental rights awarded to each parent. The list below outlines some of these important rights. When I practiced family law, I was often counseling a post divorce parent with co-parenting issues. Usually the issue(s) pertained to one of the rights below; however, it was never a clean cut case. There was always more the story than just a pure intentional violation with no other issues.

I realized quickly as an attorney that the best route to “fix” these issues is not the courtroom. The absolute best route is to coach the client and change certain behaviors of that client that are contributing to the issue. It usually takes to two to tango. In those cases where the client is simply dealing with a manipulator or other high conflict personality, coaching is still ideal because we can teach the client how to diffuse the drama. High conflict people are usually driven by fear and once that fear is alleviated they will stop acting out and they will respond more appropriately. We coach our clients to deescalate the fear and create appropriate boundaries so that there is less chance the high conflict personality will act out. This will dramatically change the relationship and reduce the stress on basic parental rights.

The second best option, if the parents are on speaking terms is mediation or a facilitated conversation. Right now, courts are assigning parent coordinators to help parents with these kinds of issues. However, often the coordinator is assigned during the divorce case itself and as a result the parties begin to see the coordinator as biased or unable to be impartial because of their role or history in the case. Another problem is, quite frankly, that just like mediators, some coordinators are simply not as skilled as others. These types of issues require experience and skill in the field of divorce with a knowledge of the law and an understanding of the judge involved in the case. Additionally, these cases require experience with people who have divorced and are trying to co-parent. Using a good mediator with experience in the field and with experience with divorcing couples is crucial. Not only is it more cost effective than litigation but it helps the parents skill build in terms of learning effective co-parenting strategies as well as learning to handle a difficult personality or learning how one’s own behaviors can go against one’s own best interests.

So take a look and digest these. If you are having trouble with any one of these issues, give us a call. We can help you get out of a vicious cycle and create a more comfortable working relationship that is better for everybody especially the children.

Parents Bill of Rights

1. You have the right to reasonable telephone contact with your child when he/she is in the care of the other parent.
2. You have the right to speak with your child privately and to expect the other parent not to eavesdrop on phone calls or read correspondence and e-mail between you and your child.
3. You have the right to notice of all school functions and extracurricular activities and to participate in these activities.
4. You have the right to participate in the decision of who will be providing day care and after school care for your child. You have the right to the name, address, and phone numbers of all babysitters and care providers for your child and to meet and speak with these individuals.
5. You have the right to reasonable notice when your child has been sick or injured.
6. You have the right to the name, address and telephone number of all physicians providing care to your child. 7. You have the right to meet with the physician, to copies of your child’s records, and to participate in all decisions regarding non-emergency medical care.
8. You have the right to receive prior notice of and to participate in the decision to take your child to a psychologist or a licensed mental health worker. This includes the right to the name address and phone number of the counselor and copies of the counselors curriculum vitae and any other information relevant to the counselor’s credentials.
9. You have the right to be on the emergency pick up list for schools, childcare, and extracurricular activities.
10. You have the right to copies of your child’s school records, medical records, and in most cases, mental health records.
11. You have a right to an itinerary whenever the other parent will be spending time with the child away from their home. This includes dates of departure and return, travel, hotel and flight information, the names, address and telephone numbers of persons who will be traveling with your child, and phone numbers where your child may be reached during their trip.
12. You have the right to expect the other parent not to discuss your disputes with your child, or in front of your child.
13. You have the right to expect the other parent to encourage the child to love you, visit you, telephone you, and not to speak badly of you in the presence of the child.
14. You have the right to expect the child and the other parent to be consistently on time when dropping off or picking up the child and to a phone call when the other parent is going to be late.
15. You have the right to speak with (or at least correspond or e-mail) the other parent directly regarding your parental rights and scheduling contact. The child or others should not be used as messengers.
16. You have the right to expect the other parent to be reasonably flexible with the time sharing (visitation) schedule upon reasonable notice for special events.

Parents Bill of Rights courtesy of Beth Reineke, Esquire, Tampa, Florida. Thank you.

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November 6, 2011
06 Nov 2011

Communicate with Respect and Civillity

Paul Newman had a line in the move “Cool Hand Luke.” In a standoff with the police, he yells out, “what we have here is a failure to communicate.” There are times when I wonder if in our day and age, “what we have here is a failure to communicate civilly.”

Years ago I heard a piece of advice about things we say, “All the words we say should have three characteristics: they are true, necessary and helpful.” I suspect it is the last two characteristics that most challenge us. For example, when we have a lot of energy about a topic, it may well seem necessary for us to say what is on our mind – but that does not mean, in the moment, it is really necessary for anyone other than us. The same thing goes for being helpful. Will the words we say be helpful to the person receiving them or to the situation at hand? True, necessary and helpful. Good guides to conversations private and public.

You might be asking what brought this all to my mind? This week I received an email from a friend of mine who was on his way back to Nashville, TN when he stopped in a old country diner in Jackson. He liked the placard on the wall near his table.

The Four Way Test of the things we think, say or do:

1. Is it the truth?
2. is it fair to all concerned?
3. Will it build good will and better friendships?
4. Will be beneficial to all concerned?

My friend, a Franciscan priest, is increasingly concerned about the increasing lack of civility in dialogs public and private – especially when the participants are professed Christians who are called to model Christ in all things.

Aspeople we will always struggle with the truth and fairness of the things we think, say or do. Even if we agree with someone about the “facts” at hand, we operate our of a set of values that shape our vision of the world. The place where discussions, disagreements and argument can be found is generally rooted in the communication and miscommunication of values.

Communication with disagreement can even be helpful. In fact, being challenged by another view or a differing value can become a pathway to new personal and communal growth, a pathway to something better. Disagreement with miscommunication is likely the gateway to a discourse that is increasingly uncivil. And that threatens good will, friendships and the benefit that can be received by all.

Pope Benedict XVI recently wrote: “The procalamation of the Gospel requires a communication which is at once respectful and sensitive , which stimulates the heart and moves the conscience; one which reflects the example of the risen Jesus when he joined the disciples on the way to Emmaus (cf. Lk 24:13-35). By his approach to them, his dialogue with them, his way of gently drawing forth what was in their heart, they were led gradually to an understanding of the mystery…In the final analysis, the truth of Christ is the full and authentic response to that human desire for relationship, communication and meaning.”

The challenge is that, like Christ, we are called to speak that truth in a way that is necessary, helpful, in good will, and builds right relationships – and reflects the values of Christ.

This article is everything in my heart and more. Communicating with respect and dignity is what Cary and I work so hard to teach, to model and to develop in all areas of our practice. Thank you Father George from Sacred Heart Church in Downtown Tampa for writing this piece.

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November 1, 2011
01 Nov 2011

The Dreaded Parental Lecture: Your Kids Aren’t Listening

Raising kids is not easy. As parents we want to protect them from making wrong choices. We think we can do that by telling them all about the right choices. This certainly can help but it can also cause our kids to tune us out – especially when we go on and on.

One of the key mistakes we parents make is lecturing to our kids, or, as my child put it to me the other day, “making long speeches.” Sometimes parents forsee that their child is on the wrong path – be it with a choice or a plan of action. We of course want to prevent the choice or change the action because we KNOW there is a better way. So we sit them down and “lecture” to them why their choice or plan is not going to work. But because we are talking at them instead of in dialogue with them, we lose them.

The long speech should really be replaced with a conversation where both the parent and child are actively engaged. It is key for parents to use good communication skills such as asking questions, clarifying the child’s statements, reflecting, even playing out hypotheticals to demonstrate possible outcomes. It is a teaching moment rather than a “force it down your throat” time. Even then, however, you child may make the wrong choice, and if that choice is not earth shattering and is age appropriate, then let their choice play out. Encouraging autonomy and allowing your child to own their actions is so key to them establishing their own identity.

Using good communication skills will draw out the child and make the conversation productive and interesting for them. Additionally, the child will feel respected and valued because you are giving their opinion weight and treating them like a person instead of something to be controlled by you. Establishing respect with a child this way ups the chances of he or she wanting to continue to share with you their potential choices, plans, thoughts and dreams. It sets precedent especially for the more precarious decisions they will be making as they get older.

Parents can get caught up in lecturing kids because they truly believe they are helping them. However, that well intentioned lecture most probably has the opposite effect and is simultaneously turning your child away from you. Lecturing is one-sided and people – and kids are people too! – yearn for and deserve respect and dignity in conversation. Real conversation is dialogue which is anything but a one-sided lecture.

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