his may seem out of the norm, but trust me it is not. I have seen people go through great lengths to get what they feel entitled to. This would have been a great case for us. We could have addressed the heart of the matter and help this family move forward without all of this unnecessary drama and heart break. Old age does not equate incompetence and many children feel entitled to plan their parents future. On the other hand, many seniors are in a standstill and refuse to accept their own limitations and plan accordingly. This also results in disastrous consequences. This is as we have said all along, no one ever says, “I want to spend my golden years in a nursing home”.

Ultimately, we may think we know the son’s intentions. They appear to be motivated by greed, but perhaps this is his way to strong arm his mother into the realization that she cannot live alone. This is a sad example of letting the situation spiral out of control. At this point, the stress of the situation could end up killing the mother and no amount of money could repair the rift in the family that would cause or the guilt this son will feel. There is always more than meets eye and resolving this conflict in a more dignified way would have lead to a better result for all parties involved.

~Cary

Working with high conflict people requires skill that goes well beyond facilitating a conversation or simply caucusing the parties. We have learned that these situations require tighter management of the process itself. People in high conflict have lost their ability to self manage and by designing a process with more structure and more rules, there is a far better chance of causing self-management to occur. Furthermore, the tight process calms people down which gives them a chance to listen not only to the other side but to the mediator. And if they have a good mediator he/she is most likely reframing the problem or offering creative or unique ways to see and solve the problem.

Parents – if this sounds like you dealing with an unruly child, that’s because the same techniques are used. Honestly speaking, people in high conflict can be like little kids who are out of control. What do we do with those kids? We make their world smaller and tighter – with more rules. That gives the child a sense of security because the boundaries are clear. We do the same thing with high conflict people in mediation. When we tighten the boundaries – keeping them clear and holding the parties to them – we see the parties able to move forward because they are secure in understanding the process and not feeling like they will either not be heard, talked over, or taken advantage of. They see that we as the Mediators – with a capital M – are in control and it builds trust and confidence in the process.

Not all high conflict situations can be brought to the mediation table. Good mediators know when to say no – especially where it is clear that one or both parties are intentionally unwilling to work with the other. That is an entirely different situation than simply being “convinced” in your own mind that nothing can be done. We hear a lot of the latter situation and people are then amazed at what happens during the process.

Read Ann Begler’s article, High Conflict and Ethics from which this post was developed.

Elder mediation is a fast growing field and one that all baby-boomers should be thinking about. It will save you time, stress and money to engage one of these professionals right out of the gate. Your communication will be more focused with a built in referee and you will all stay on point when it comes to making necessary decisions.

Read this article from Slate Magazine that highlights the benefits of Elder Mediation. Additionally, and here comes a spoiler-alert! – right after these two siblings finally came together and not only made an important decision about mom but also came to a new understanding with one another – one of them died unexpectedly. That mediation is forever seared into the other sibling’s mind as the vehicle that brought them together. It took guts for them to make the choice to do it – but the payoff was HUGE in more ways than one.

Cat, Rabbit, and Fox were living in a forest. Cat and Rabbit started fighting over a piece of delicious cheese they had found in the forest. Rabbit broke the cheese into two pieces. Cat grabbed the larger piece for himself, announcing, “This piece is mine.”

Rabbit, of course, had to disagree, “No it isn’t, it is mine!”

Just then, Cat saw Fox walk by and called to him, “Mr. Fox, we have two pieces of cheese and I want the bigger piece, shouldn’t it be mine?”

Rabbit interjected protesting, “That’s not fair, I want the bigger piece, it should be mine!”

“I will solve this problem,” said Fox, “I will bite the bigger piece so that both pieces will be the same, “ and with that, Fox took a bite out of the bigger piece of cheese.

“But now the other piece is bigger!” complained Cat.

“No worries,” said Fox, “I will now take a bite out of the other piece.”

“But now the first piece is bigger, no fair!” cried Rabbit.

“Never fear, I will solve this problem for you,” said Fox. This process continued as Cat or Rabbit each time complained about how much cheese should be his or hers and with Fox taking bite after bite until finally, all the cheese was safely in Fox’s tummy. “Mmmm, that sure was good cheese, too bad you two lost your chance to have some.”

Cat started to whine, “But all the cheese is gone now!”

Fox grinned, “So it is. But at least the pieces are the same size,” and with that Fox ran off.

“But which piece was mine?” asked Rabbit in a daze.

“I guess it doesn’t matter now,” said Cat wistfully, “they are both gone, and now we don’t have any cheese at all.”

Only then Cat and Rabbit realized, “I guess we should have solved our problem ourselves.”

Brooke witnessed the saga of Cat, Rabbit and Fox as a short play in her daughter’s theater class. She sent it to me with a note explaining that the tale struck her as “an illustration of the fall out of the litigated divorce with the loss of cheese signifying the loss of, among other things, the dignity of the participants.”

Thank you Brooke!!

This post was picked up from a blog post by Elinor Robin, PhD – a wonderful woman who has dedicated her life to conflict resolution. Check her out here.

Those lawyers who try and draw a line in the sand and stand firm – going for the win at all costs – do a grave disservice to their clients. Even if the parties will not have any ongoing relationship post mediation, this was a marriage and that carries with it intense emotion. Moreover, there will be real and valid concerns over a new standard of living, whether the job market is stable, fear of the unknown, loss of security and entitlement to a share of future money that will be produced off an asset created in the marriage, i.e. a degree. These concerns are real and must be addressed outside the cold hard law, expert testimony or hard numbers. A good mediator who does not drown in the experts, charts and law and carefully examines and open up to discussion the underlying fears and emotions driving the financial issues will do a world of good for the parties. Specifically, a guided conversation of these real “interests” will better define the parameters of the financial issue(s) and simultaneously change the dynamic of the negotiation. By addressing these needs/interests, the parties will focus more on what it is going to take to move on for them as opposed to dwelling in feelings of entitlement or feelings of resentment for “owing” what one party may not accept as true despite what the law says or how the numbers crunch out.

I was involved in a fair amount of high end divorces and watched first-hand as the big financial issues became “line in the sand” positions from both sides. I also watched mediators spin around trying to argue law and expert testimony and either pound parties into submission or step back and let them flounder in the legalese of the issue or worse yet, the ego of their attorney. That only raised the conflict, heightened the fear, and brought out the worst, most unreasonable positions in the clients. Threatened animals do not bring out their best selves. A fair amount of times the case would end up settling but only because the costs became too high. That scenario usually left the parties resentful, dissatisfied with the system and bitter over the unresolved conflict. How much better for these two people who at one point shared a life together, if a settlement that addressed the real interests at play is effectuated.

Mediators can be so effective in these situations. Do not get me wrong mediation does not mean easy or quick. It takes work and often takes time to redirect people out of anger or betrayal or other hurt. But in our work as mediators we see that people can be moved. In fact, when people are presented with the option of self-improvement and light at the end of the tunnel especially from a third party they know cares about them and the process, they move. A facilitated process like I am talking about is so different in kind than litigation it is a giant paradigm shift. This process is not about conflict and antagonism but about engaging in better communication, focusing inward and on personal growth and movement forward in their own lives.

A brief note on the Collaborative process – while I am happy that we are moving in the direction of non-litigation in family law, I still believe that for many high asset cases mediation is a better, more productive process than collaborative law precisely because lawyers are not guiding the case. It is my fundamental belief that the parties should control the process of the divorce and how they are going to work things out. Collaborative law still puts lawyers in control of the process and not the parties. A good family mediator will know the law enough to talk about it without advising clients. Proper discovery and expert analysis can easily be a part of the mediation process to assure fundamental fairness and provide the parties with necessary information. Finally, any Agreement can be reviewed by an attorney. These safeguards will protect the process. But most importantly, when the process becomes something the parties control, when the parties are facilitated and encouraged to examine needs and interests, issues have a better chance of resolving fairly.

The following story shows how diverting the discussion from numbers and charts to “what really bothers me” or “what I am afraid of” can help couples reach an understanding even in the most complicated issues.

Evaluating the Value of a Degree Earned During Marriage – The Story of Sam and Charlene

Thank you Rachel Fishman Greene, Esq

The Boston Bruins hockey team was recently invited to the White House as the Stanley Cup Winners for 2011. This is done to all championship athletes unless there are unusual circumstances. This is a congratulatory ceremony and an honor for the team to be received by the President of the United States. Recently, Tim Thomas, goalie for the Boston Bruins, refused to go based on his political beliefs about the size of the federal government. He states, in part, that:

“This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL.”

The Boston Bruins are a hockey team – team being the operative word. Being a part of that team means belonging to something bigger than yourself and accepting the privileges, duties and responsibilities that come with it. In this instance, Mr. Thomas decided his individual status usurps the team and because of that he could decide what responsibilities or duties he owes to the team as he sees fit. This was not an individual invitation that he as an individual could decline. This had nothing to do with him personally or his personal views on government. He had a duty to his team which was given a team invitation and the team honor to appear at the White House. Whatever Thomas may personally feel about the U.S. government was irrelevant. This was a time for humility and the grace to stand by his team and accept the honor being given to the team and respect the authority of the office of the President of the country in which he resides as a citizen.

I find it particularly ironic that in his statement the word individual is capitalized – that he had to make this choice as an INDIVIDUAL. This is so telling of how important he regards self and how closed off he is to others including his team. Furthermore, whatever his political beliefs are – and I am not judging them – they are now usurped by his ego. The darkness of pride has sullied whatever good he is trying to put forth because he has acted rashly and without due regard for others. Pride is a deadly sin and darkens the soul it possesses.
Finally, it is interesting that according to Bruins Director of Communications Matt Chmura, the team decided to withhold Thomas from an afternoon charity appearance at the Boys & Girls Club of Greater Washington because his presence would have been a distraction. Yes, his presence is now a distraction for the team because every event, every appearance becomes about Tim Thomas’s political beliefs instead of what the appearance is intended to be. And blaming the media is scapegoating because it was Thomas who threw his ego out there when his beliefs should never even have come up.

Alexander Ovechkin was recently suspended three games for an illegal check – his usual style of leaving his feet to deliver the check. Ovechkin recently made the statement that he would not be attending the NHL All- Star game as a result of his suspension. As I listened to him, he seemed to say he was not deserving to attend and honestly I appreciated him for it. But as he continued his statement, it became all about the suspension being unfair, that ‪Zbynek Michalek‬ should have been suspended too and that the hit was not wrong. However, it is a clear rule that leaving your feet to check is illegal. Further, players know that the NHL is cracking down on illegal checks to promote more safety in the game. Too many players are ending up with concussions with careers in shambles.
The more Alexander Ovechkin spoke about his refusal to attend the All-Star game and why, the more pride and arrogance spewed out. Ovechkin plays for a sport that has rules. Following the rules is essential to any game – if the game is going to be any good. Does Ovechkin really believe he is immune from the rules? And even if he thinks that his suspension was unfair, it would be nice to see him respect the sport enough and himself enough to accept the punishment, learn from it, and be thankful that he is asked to participate in the All-Star game. Instead what we see is someone trying to escape responsibility for his own actions, trying to place blame on another and attempting to seek revenge with an immature “I’m not playing” stance. This behavior diminishes the great player he is by showing an ego-driven character out of touch with others and the game.

Tim Tebow is in the news for his public acts of faith. His pose is beloved by so many and despised by so many. Writers are decrying him for mixing religion with sports and others are lauding him for “representing.” As for me personally, I am cautious with public acts of prayer as I have seen too many hypocrites similar to the Pharisees who are decried by Jesus for leading double lives – on the outside holy but on the inside sinful. So, with all that weighing in, I became interested in listening to Tim Tebow speak. As Socrates so famously said, “Speak, so that I know you.”

I got online and listened to several interviews. I researched Tim Tebow purposefully trying to find some self serving statements or false modesty. I couldn’t find anything. Instead, I found a humble guy whose interior wholly matches his public acts of faith. Whether we completely agree with his acts of faith or not is not the point. The humility of this guy stands out in the face of the ego driven behavior evidenced by Mr. Thomas and Mr. Ovechkin. Tebow does not put his faith out there simply for show. It is who he is. He humbles himself before God and before others and is clearly appreciative of what he has, where he is and what is his life is right now. He lives in the moment counting on his faith to get him through – win or lose – and is thankful for all of it.

The virtue of humility is not one Western culture values. In fact, we equate low self esteem with humility – which is utterly false – and therefore coddle and extol those with an inflated sense of self. If on top of that those same people are at all successful, they rise to the top to be imitated, listened to, followed and even forgiven serious wrongs. Athletes are no exception. Thomas and Ovechkin should have been disciplined for their prideful actions that hurt their team and the sport. Perhaps they were not because they are too big to discipline. By valuing them that way we do them a disservice. In fact, we encourage their arrogance and pride. Tebow may have a draw to the religious for religious reasons but I submit he has a powerful draw because of his humility. His healthy fear and love of the Lord, his value of others and his placement of himself last not only gives him the strength we see but it makes him someone so many want to cheer.

A true understanding and humble estimate of oneself is the highest and most valuable of all lessons. To take no account of oneself, but always to think well and highly of others is the highest wisdom and perfection. Should you see another person openly doing evil, or carrying out a wicked purpose, do not on that account consider yourself better than him, for you cannot tell how long you will remain in a state of grace We are all frail; consider none more frail than yourself. Thomas A Kempis – The Imitation of Christ

Spouses disillusioned in marriage are often quick to assume they are married to the wrong person. In an article entitled, Are You With The Right Mate (from Psychology Today Online) doubting partners need to recognize that one can only change one’s self and that one is responsible for making one’s own happiness. Leaving is usually not the answer unless there is some serious pathology or an abusive situation. Rather, the article suggests, each spouse should take more responsibility for creating a better relationship, by throwing themselves into it in a positive, healthy way: 

Marriage is not about finding the right person. It’s about becoming the right person…(sic)…Disillusionment becomes an engine for growth because it forces us to discover our needs. Knowing oneself, recognizing one’s needs, and speaking up for them in a relationship are often acts of bravery, says Page. Most of us are guarded about our needs, because they are typically our areas of greatest sensitivity and vulnerability.

I love the website, Cutting Edge Law because it focuses on the concept of integrative law – which is defined as the integration of the practices and methods of the adversarial system with newly emerging more humanistic and relational approaches to law. Blogger Alexandria Skinner discusses the above referenced article in her own article entitled, Conflict Transformation in Marriage and she is so spot-on. Conflict Transformation is a necessary skill for couples in long term relationships to have. In our work in relationship mediation, Cary and I often see the inability to communicate needs and the negative communication patterns about “change” as the primary problem which leads to disillusionment and hopelessness in the marriage. Spouses are quick to believe that their spouse has changed in ways they cannot possibly understand or come to understand. However, evolution is unavoidable in relationships. People are going to change and each spouse must realize this and expect it in a positive way rather than see it as a threat. But this takes knowing yourself very well and communicating your needs in a positive way. When each spouse begins to live this way, each sees the other as a more dynamic, exciting person – a book still not finished and one you want to read through to the end.

As this article points out, however, I too saw (and continue to see) my share of attorneys who intentionally disparage the mediation process and in effect continue to encourage people to stay polarized in their positions, stunted in their communication style, and limited in their ability to understand the power of negotiation and building relationships. Do not fall for that nonsense. You do not need a crutch all the time – because that is what an attorney becomes – a really expensive crutch. You need to realize that you have skills within yourself that can be brought out, sharpened and then used to help you get what you need. Empower yourself and the next time you find conflict you cannot escape, seek out a facilitative process. The investment is small compared to the multiple outcomes you will reap once the skills are there.

My confidence in the knowledge that God loves me is unshakable and that is a gift from God. I know it with everything I am, with every breath I take, with every thought I have. I know God is my Father; I know His Son is my Saviour and One in Being with my Father and I know the Spirit proceeds from the Father and is glorified with the Father and the Son. And I know that I have access to all of this by just saying “yes.” In fact, My Lord waits for me constantly to enter into a deeper and deeper relationship with Him. This is the only sure thing I live for each day of my life. It is the only thing that restores me, keeps me going, offers me solace, and imbues me with courage and a reason to get up every morning. To be sure, I certainly struggle and agonize with my own ego and with anxieties and with sin – on a regular basis. But the knowledge of His love for me brings me back to Him no matter what I have done.

From this relationship stems all else in my life. Everything. Finally, the rest of my life has found its appropriate place underneath my relationship with the triune God. I rejoice when my life is in its appropriate order. I suffer when it is not and yearn for the right even as I am sinning. It is a constant conscious choice to say yes to Him and stay in order and I am amazed at how easily I slink away thinking I can do it alone or change the order, or choose something other than Him for even a second. The pain of His loss is as deep as His love because without Him I have no love. I am empty and cold and hopeless.

My soul cries out: O Come O Come Emmanuel….and ransom captive Israel…who mourns in lonely exile here…until the Son of God appears. Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel…shall come to you O Israel.

Come Jesus Christ and restore order to the House of David, gathering your royal people to yourself. Come as the baby wrapped tightly in swaddling clothes, the Word of God, the Logos, speechless and fragile, a child under the bosom of his mother. How do we not recognize you when your coming is so completely an immersion into us – into the most delicate and helpless among us. Have pity on us and let your sacred heart burn with forgiveness for us from the manger/gibbet that is your resting…your dying place for love of us. How do I love thee God? I love thee not out of hope for heaven or to evade the eternal fire but instead I love thee because you are my God, my saviour and my life.

I love Advent because it slows time down for me. From the first day of Advent I try, each day, to focus on the coming of Christ – to wake up from being lost within myself and my anxieties – and remember that my life belongs to Him. That my life only has meaning through Him and when I walk in His light, each and every moment, then I am serving the right purpose in my life.

So each day of Advent I wait for the King who will come to us in a manner I understand innately – a child coming from his mother. The beauty and humility of it all is overwhelming and brings tears to my eyes – tears of joy because the depths of God’s love is so far beyond my pitiful understanding yet He gives me the grace to appreciate the gift of my faith in His love. The joy and excitement I know and feel everyday that I attune myself to Advent – to “the waiting” – satisfies me like nothing else in my life ever has. “My heart is restless Lord until it rests in thee.” St. Augustine.

Immerse yourself in Advent and if you can, immerse yourself in the understanding that Father Delp gives to us – that all of our life is Advent – an Advent of the Heart. Fr. Alfred Delp was imprisoned by the Nazis and held in solitary confinement. He was tortured and executed on February 2,1945.  While imprisoned he wrote brief meditations and was able to smuggle them out of prison. Available on Kindle is Advent of the Heart: Seasonal Sermons and Prison Writings 1941-1944 By Father Alfred Delp.